Transcript of Grant Golland's Interview With Waide Barfield on The Tonight Show

GG: Hello Waide, thank you for appearing tonight.
WB (jovial): Good evening America.
GG: So, Waide, I understand you have a funny story for us tonight.
WB (personably): That's right, Grant, I had this interview scheduled for tonight, as you know-
GG: I should hope so
WB (like its funny): Well, some reporter today, he came up to me in the street and started trying to interview me-
GG: Like, right there?
WB (interjectively): In the street!

Shot of a concerned audience

GG: So what did you do?
WB (taken aback): Well what could I do?
GG: It's a tough situation.
WB (dismissive): I just politely declined.
GG: Seems reasonable.
WB (concerned): He honestly seemed really shaken up about the whole thing.
GG: I think he was probably, but let's move on to your campaign.

Shot of Barfield giving a sort of "here it comes" look

GG: First of all, you, as the Republican candidate, must prove your conservativism.
WB (pensive): I'm glad you asked Grant.
GG: I'm over here.
WB (oblivious): I stand for all of the most conservative things. It is a time for the Jesus to once again say what is on his mind in America today.
GG: And what is that?
WB (on point): Well take for instance, any political issue in America today.
GG: Like abortion.
WB (righteous): Well the conservative opinion is definately in favor of outcasting or even fining aborters, as for sluts, wanderers, runnaways and the like.
GG: How threatening!
WB (sternly): No, it's definately a message of love.
GG: Moving on, your campaign has run into a bit of snag, polls-wise, since pictures of your wife have surfaced on the internet.
WB (championic): The American people do not run off of polls and neither does this campagne!
GG: Well, to be fair though, pundits are calling it "a sharp break from conservativism" ... among other things!
WB (reassuring): I'm glad you asked, Grant.
GG: I'm sure you've seen the political cartoons. Can we get a slide of that up here, Jim?

Shot of politcal cartoon featuring headless torso labeled "Waide" next to bikini model with the caption "Topless"

WB (disgusted): The personal attacks can get the best of you, Grant, but let's not let this election stray from the issues facing America today.
GG: Well said, Mr. Barfield. Now, you've also come under fire for some of your cabinet choices
WB (noticing): Yes, yes, Ms. Monro.
GG: Any comment?
WB (citing wikipedia): For example, the American writer Cynthia Ozick called Munro "our Chekhov." In Munro stories, as in Chekhov's, plot is secondary and "little happens."
GG: I see what you mean. Any final comments?
WB (citing wikipedia): I'm glad you asked. Patriots, consider, remember the words of our president when he said that you can do so much for America. And as Americans, we are, in times of invitation and drought, both, always, like swayers in the winds of patriotism, are always, our lord, the father son and the holy ghost, amen.
GG: Great talking to you, stick around everybody, our next guest is Snoop Dogg.

Shot of band playing pre-commercial music, fade out over audience.